April’s been a funny month so far. I had a week off, then I had a week updating my website…which I hoped would take 1 day, feared would take 2 weeks…and actually took the best part of a week. Then this week I was going to get ‘back to normal’, but just had so much non-work stuff to do that I actually switched on my laptop for the first time yesterday!
Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but as it’s been 2 weeks since I was last at work, I found myself listening to a glorious internal dialogue that went something like this:
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“It’s April and you still haven’t done x, y and z” (sidenote, no mention of all the things I HAVE done)
“You have to do some work”
“Your business is going to go under if you don’t work immediately”
“You are useless, a failure, a bad person, a terrible businesswoman”
“Yadda, yadda, yadda”
I mostly ignored it to be honest, because I was busy and there was nothing I could do about not having done any work at that point. But I noted the comments, I noticed their impact, and eventually I got quite cross with myself. Not for not having done “enough” this year or this month, but for giving myself such a bloody hard time about it.
It’s true, I am not as far into my 2015 plan as I’d like to be (mainly because the plan keeps changing and I get sidetracked into writing new books, creating new video series and updating my website). It’s also true that other than the 10 hour days I did last week updating the website, I haven’t done any work this month. Because I had a week off. And then spent a week updating my website.
But the insidious voice of condemnation isn’t interested in reasons or justifications, it just wants me to…what? Well, that voice is a part of me that actually wants me to do well, to be successful, to get everything on my to do list done (which I will, when I work out how to clone myself 1000 times or live until I’m 400 years old), to DO more.
But there are two problems with this:
1. I am not best motivated by disapproval, judgement and damnation.
2. My worth is not related to what I do.
When you have an inner voice heckling you to do more, stop and remember this, because it’s important. Your worth is not related to what you do. You are a magnificent slice of wonderful life no matter how many items you tick off your to do list. So many of us set our self-worth by our jobs, careers, or even what we do socially (busy is the new black). But that’s just window dressing.
Who we are is what matters. And that is unchanged by how much you earn, how many things you tick off your list, your job title, career progression or busy social diary. Who you are is what really matters, not what you do. So when you realise that you have to do stuff to get your own approval, it’s time for a reality check.
You are more than your job; you are more than your social life, you are more than your bank balance, you are more than what you do.
If your self-worth is tied to any of those things, it will be fragile, because they are transitory, changeable…and largely irrelevant!
The sacred truth is that you are magificence.
But most of us hide that magnificence, that light, that gem of glorious beauty away under a dirty, scratchy, smelly old blanket of “not enough” – not doing enough, not being enough, not having enough, not fitting some crazy and non-existent stereotype of the “perfect person” (said in a robotic voice). It’s time to stop that. It’s time to shine that light of yours.
Even if you haven’t done any work for 19 days (not that I was counting). Even if you’re off track with your plan for 2015. Even if you’re not perfect (who is?!) Even if you are a hot mess right now. Even if your to-do list is 4 miles long. Even if you have some real or perceived imperfection.
We weren’t born to be perfect, we were born to shine that light. That unique, beautiful, radiant light. And if you have to pass a series of tests to gain your own approval, that light cannot shine freely. So let go of the idea that you are only good enough if you do X, Y, Z and T, and claim magnificence for yourself right now. It doesn’t really matter if you believe it, it’s true anyway. Go shine your light….without the limitations and restrictions of what you ‘should’ do or be first. Shine anyway.
