I’ve had several conversations over the past few weeks with clients, with friends, and with people in my Fall in Love With Life Group where the subject of guilt has come up with regard to self-care.
“I feel guilty if I sit down”
“When I try to take care of me I feel like I should be doing something else”
“Someone else is working hard, so I shouldn’t be resting (even though I’m so exhausted I can barely stand)”
“I can’t take care of myself because I have all these other people to take care of”
I get it, I’ve felt the same way myself in the (recent) past. So here’s my best advice for dealing with the guilt:
Ignore it and take care of yourself anyway.
It may feel uncomfortable, you may have some self-critical thoughts, the guilt may threaten to choke you.
But you’ll get over it. And here’s why:
The more you have the more you can give.
If you have lots of people to take care of, the BEST thing you can do for them is to take care of you. Because if you’re exhausted, depleted, and a mardy bum, you can’t give much to them. The better you feel, the more you can give to others. Not only that, but the better you feel, the less resentment and stress you’ll feel over doing stuff for others.
If you feel good, that feel good overflows to other people in your life.
The more you have the more you can do.
It drives me mental that this statement works better with clients than “You deserve it”, but it does. And it’s true. The better you feel, the more you will be able to do, the more efficient you are able to be, the more you can pile onto your plate. (You might not want to once your self-care is good, but you can.) If you’ve ever dragged your sorry self through a day of exhaustion and mental fog, you’ll know the truth of this – the better you feel, the easier work/chores/life is.
Feeling good is seriously efficient.
People who love you want you to feel good.
Ok they may also want their socks washed, meals cooked, and for you to be at their beck and call, but trust me, when they experience you feeling good, they’ll want that more. Not only is it a wonderful feeling to see someone you love happy and healthy and loving life, it rubs off on you.
Feeling good is contagious. So is being a mardy bum…you can choose which you’d rather be.
The more guilt you feel the more you need to take care of you.
None of the people quoted above are lazy, indolent, idle people. They’re hard-working people with plenty on their plate. And the person who’s most deserving of self-care in my eyes (the one who works the hardest in the toughest circumstances) is the one who feels the most guilty. It’s genuinely bizarre. But often if you’re feeling guilty, it’s because you’re not used to taking care of you, to resting, to stopping. So you probably need self-care the most.
And the funny thing is that when you do start caring for yourself in a bigger way, the guilt (mostly) subsides. It’ll pop up now and again, usually when you’re at your most exhausted and vulnerable, but generally it’ll be relegated to a box called “misplaced guilt” because really, there’s nothing to feel guilty for when you’re taking care of your one and only self.
What could be better than a world where we all feel good?
Imagine if the people you loved most in the world felt good. If they felt cared for and loved and energised and full of life and joie de vivre. What could be better?! And if they’re not in that place right now, maybe your duty in their life is to model self-care for them? To show them how it’s done!
It really is time that we as a society got over this insane idea that worth comes from stress, exhaustion and driving ourselves to the verge of nervous breakdown. It’s deranged, and it’s creating a world of anger, stress, unhappiness and illness.
We’re the pioneers. We’re the ones on the leading edge. We’re the ones who get to show the stress-heads how it’s done…by sitting back, relaxing, being happy, feeling good…and getting more done with ease!
Now if you’ll excuse me, my afternoon nap is calling.
Join the Fall in Love With Life group here.
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