Here’s something you may not know about me: now and again I get quite bad anxiety. Not “can’t leave the house, too terrified” anxiety, more “the plane will crash, bad things will happen” anxiety. By nature, I’m not really an anxious person, so when these thoughts come, they tend to kick my ass because I’m not used to them.
As I write this, I’m 30,000 feet up in the air. And we just hit a little turbulence. Not much, just a few seconds of bumping along…just enough for my mind to shift into Anxiety Mode. “Oh my God, the plane’s going to fall out of the sky” (it didn’t). “What if this is as bad as The Worst, Most Turbulent Flight EVER when I wanted to cry I was so frightened” (it wasn’t) “What if…remember that plane that fell out of the sky/disappeared/was torpedo’d/was bombed…” (none of that happened either)
Cue my default response of trying to steer my wild thoughts back to happier meadows, clenching my teeth and preparing for the fight with my anxiety for sanity for however long it takes…
I’ve been afraid of flying for about 20 years. Before that, I loved flying. I’m not sure what changed…I always blame Ryan Air for bouncing me down on the runway once too often, but I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I turned from confident traveller to jelly on a plane.
I still flew of course, including to, around and back from Australia (a bloody long way!) but I would clutch my rosary beads until Jesus was imprinted in my palm (which sometimes took days to come out) and tried to steer my unruly thoughts from the subject of falling out of the sky.
As an approach, it didn’t work too well. I still feared flying and every turbulent flight, shaky takeoff or terrifying landing through a storm on an island reinforced my belief that air travel is utterly terrifying.
A couple of years ago, I decided I needed to try new approaches. I started meditating before take off and putting my nose in my book and trying to ignore the fact I was in a metal tube up in the sky. That worked a bit better…except when there was turbulence or a bad take-off or landing, but it was an improvement.
This trip, I added:
– asking the angels to carry my plane on soft wings
– asking the Gods, Goddesses, Guides and Guardian Angels (get them ALL involved, I say!) to keep me calm, help me let go of my nerves and become again the confident traveller I once was, and fill the plane with love and light (and help the crew be the best they could be today)
– acted as if I was confident – relaxing my jaw, smiling, pulling my shoulders away from my ears
– listened to Aad Guray by Deva Premal 3 times before take off
– all through the flight listened to mantras on my mp3 player so if there was turbulence or ‘bad thoughts’, I could focus in on the mantra playing and calm the fuck down!
And when I found myself pulling frantically on the reins of the the wild horse of “plane bombing” thoughts, I decided to try another approach. I faced the thoughts and prayed for those souls.
This helped release the anxiety (as did writing this all down) – anxiety is like wind, it needs to be released or it will stay inside, causing bloating and discomfort.
Oh no…more turbulence. I am breathing deeply, asking the angels to steady the plane, and acting like a confident traveller would – I keep writing, I don’t worry and I know that this too shall pass.
I’m not cured. I still fear flight. I’m still likely to get anxious again in the air…and if the turbulance lasts a long time, I might still want to cry. But I’m beginning to find other things that work, other than clutching my rosary beads for dear life and praying for it to be over. One day, I might again be that confident, blase traveller I once was.
