So, I guess, like me, that you KNOW that if only the world would do as you tell it to, it would be a perfect place, right? Never mind the fact that the attitude is a wee bit dictatorish, and I know that you are a lovely person…if other people would just behave the way you think they should, your life would be perfect.
However, those pesky ‘other people’ think the same thing. And if only you’d behave it a way that is acceptable to them, their life would be perfect! But I suspect, like me, you have no intention of living your one and only life according to someone else’s rules. So why on earth would you expect them to live to your rules?
When I share this particular idea with clients we always have a version of this argument:
“yes, but they should just xyz…”
“Perhaps. But do they?”
“No, but if they did that would solve the problem”
“Perhaps. But will they?”
“No, but if they did…”
“And the reality is…?”
“well, that’s beside the point, what they should do is…”
“And back in the real world…”
The conversation normally lasts a good 15 minutes. I understand entirely. If my loved ones would just behave as I wish, life would be a far more orderly place. But they won’t. They will carry on doing what they do, living their life, being themselves, expressing their personalities, dealing with things in their own way.
And when I think about it, I prefer it that way. Not only do I have no intention of living by someone else’s rules, I think it would be a bit weird and creepy if they lived to mine (as all my loved ones are independent, bolshie types – I mean that as a compliment!). Plus, I am too lazy and too nice to be a dictator. You need a lot more psychopath points than I’m prepared to get.
It’s a lot of effort to try to change other people. And it’s usually completely futile effort. Most of the time we just bitch about wanting them to change…and they don’t. So you have a choice. You can either keep running uphill through treacle with steel boots on and a blindfold while being shot at by snipers (metaphorically)…or you can stop it.
Let other people be who they are, don’t try and make them be how you think they should be. They won’t. It’s a waste of precious energy. And all the time you spend in their business, you’re not in your own business! Get your own house in order. Concentrate on YOU being the person that YOU want to be, and stop trying to make other people be the person you want them to be!
Ironically, people often do change when you stop trying to force the issue – try it, you might be amazed. When you stop focusing on what’s wrong with your loved ones, they get the chance to get a break from their (perceived) failings. And when you are being the best of yourself, they have a great role model.
Does this mean you let people get away with being jackasses? Certainly not. You can still let them know they’re being a jackass, just stop wasting your time trying to make them be different. Who knows, they may then afford you the same courtesy.
Love
Donna.xx
PS This article is an excerpt from my fabulous book “Fall in Love With Life” – for more details and to buy, click here.
Comments
2 responses to “Are You Wasting Time and Energy Trying to Change Others?”
Lol. I understand entirely…it’s embedded deep into our psyche that the way to get people to do as we want, we need to badger them…but the other way works better when you just remember to do it! xx
“Ironically, people often do change when you stop trying to force the issue – try it, you might be amazed.” – this actually happened to me in my relationship. I often bitch about this and that (especially when it comes to keeping our home neat and orderly), but there were some instances where I just dropped the issue, and later I dropped my job when I realized the “problem” sorted itself out.
I’m so happy when my SO pleasantly surprises me!
But I have to admit I’m still not getting the message entirely and tend to bitch a lot when I forget myself! 🙂