So, a couple of my friends do this thing where they get busy and stressed and down and when they need friends most, they disappear off the face of the planet. And because we’re all so busy these days, they can just hide behind “I’m busy” and they’ll be left alone. Only that’s the last thing they need. Because they need their friends, and instead they’re retreating into a cave and trying to deal with the shit they’ve been dealt alone.
I get it. I do it too. I’m better at it now, partly because one of my friends threatened to beat me up if I got myself in such a state (near nervous breakdown) again without reaching out for help. It’s not that I’m scared she’ll truly beat me up, but that it serves as a good reminder when I’m retreating into my cave to reach out to my friends and let them help…or at least keep me company in my cave.
It’s hard sometimes to reach out when you feel you’ve got the shit end of the life stick. It’s hard to admit that life isn’t perfect or peachy or even right good sometimes. It’s hard to say “I need you”. It’s much easier to retreat into your own mad little world, work it out all alone, drive yourself crazy because you’ve lost perspective…
…or is it?
Of course it’s not easier. It’s way, way harder to do it all alone. I’ve had a few meltdowns and near-nervous-breakdowns and shit times over the years, and every time I’ve tried to just push on through all by myself, I’ve struggled. The hard times lasted longer…and eventually someone will get involved and that marks the turning point for me – when I’ve told someone, they’ve helped me and alakazam! I’m on the up again.
I think I’ve learned the lesson. I’m sure at some point I’ll forget though. I’m sure there’ll come a moment when being vulnerable and telling someone I’m struggling will be a step too far. That’s part of the reason I’m writing this, to remind myself when it next happens that a. it’s counter-productive to isolate myself; b. Being vulnerable is easier than struggling on alone; and c. Maybe when I need my friends, they need me too.
You see, the problem with isolating yourself is that you also isolate your friends. And while you may be having a shit time and assuming that everyone else’s life is just perfect; maybe it’s not. Maybe one of your friends is hurting and struggling too; and you’re not there for them…just as you’re not allowing them to support you.
This happened to me a few years ago. My friend disappeared on me – she was having a hard time (which I knew nothing about or I’d have tried harder to see her) and she backed away. But what she didn’t realise was that I was struggling too. I’d just been diagnosed with MS and I wasn’t coping enormously well with it. I needed my friend…but it wasn’t the sort of thing I’d share in e-mail or text, so I was just waiting for her to not be so busy.
She didn’t want to see me while my life was going so well (hahahahahaha) and bring me down, so she waited until she felt better. Like I say, I get it, I’ve done it. But she needed me, and I needed her too. She thought she’d have been bringing me down with her problems…but I think I’d have held my own with the incurable, ridiculously unpredictable disease of 6000 symptoms, frankly.
When we finally did catch up with each other’s shitty times, there was a lot of “why didn’t you tell me?” going on…but the main reason is that we didn’t want to burden one another, didn’t want to bring each other down.
But that’s what friends are for.
Not to depress and drop all your woes on and burden, but to share your journey. The tears and the laughter; the highs and the lows; the bad and the good. Otherwise it’s fair-weather friendship – which has its place, but it doesn’t have the depth and connection and love of true friendship where you can share, where you can be vulnerable, where your friends give you a bollocking for trying to do it all alone!
In these fake Facebook days, it’s easy to assume that your friend’s lives are utterly perfect…but often they’re not. People don’t always share the truth of their lives on social media. Give them the gift of your vulnerability and allow them into your real life – the ups AND downs, the highs AND lows, the joys AND sorrows…you never know, when you need your friends might be just the time when they need you too.
Love
Donna.x