So, let me ask you something. How much time do you spend out of your own business on a day to day basis? How much time do you spend in other people’s business? Oh, I know, you’re not a nosy parker or one of those neighbours who twitches the curtains at every noise you hear…but you don’t need to be these days to be getting in other people’s business.
Social media, TV and even news media have led to unprecedented access to every detail of everyone’s life, giving us a perfect opportunity to satisfy our curiosity about what everyone else is up to. Not only do we get to see what’s going on, we can share our opinions on everything from the political hairstyle of the day to the size of someone’s embezzlement.
We can start arguments with people we have never met, who live halfway across the world. Isn’t technology AMAZING? OK, listen, there’s nothing wrong with curiosity, or with having an opinion. You are perfectly entitled to exercise both…but at the expense of what? When your attention is on them, it’s not in your own life, working on loving that life.
The other day, I spent many a happy hour randomly googling things and not doing my work (Pharrel Williams age amongst the many things I can’t remember why I wanted to know, and indeed can’t remember the answer now). Time I could’ve spent doing something I actually wanted to do instead of getting totally distracted.
And it’s not just getting into celeb’s business, it’s getting into our colleagues and friend’s and family’s business. Ever find yourself endlessly discussing the outrageous behaviour of someone you know? Ever find yourself spending more time talking about your boss than you do your spouse? Ever find yourself saying ‘he should…’ or ‘she should…’ or ‘they should…’?
You might be right that they should do whatever you think they should do. But quite often, they won’t. Just as you won’t live to someone else’s opinions of how you should live. (Please tell me you won’t do that…it’s your life, you get to live it your way). The world won’t vote the way you want it to. Governments won’t act the way you want them to. Your boss won’t suddenly stop being a jackass because you think they should.
And more importantly than the utter futility of ‘they should…’, it’s taking you out of your own business. I asked a client recently how much time it would free up to focus on their own life if they didn’t talk about their jackass boss or idiot colleagues…the answer was “about 16 hours a week”.
Let’s just pause a moment and let that sink in…16 HOURS a week! Yeouch. Imagine what fun things you could do, what goals you could achieve, what happy habits you could create in the time you spend in someone else’s business. It may not be 16 hours…but for a lot of us, it’s a lot of time we could more productively spend elsewhere.
Back to my client…we set the homework of limiting time spent in someone else’s business to 5 minutes at a time, then deliberately changing the subject, getting back in their own business, and spending the rest of the time having fun and making life better.
This client was astonished at how much better they felt when they (mostly) stayed in their own business. I wasn’t – being in other people’s business can be frustrating and discouraging. Being in your own business…actively spending your time in ways that feel good to you, and fun and joyful….it feels much better.
It’s not always easy, especially when someone is being a gigantic jackass, but as soon as you can, get back in your own business. And being back in your own business might mean taking action about the jackassery…but from a perspective of “I need to…”, not “they need to…”
My favourite mantra to help me with this is “not my circus, not my monkeys” – it reminds me to get down off my high horse and let other people get on with being jackasses in their own life, while I keep my focus on my life. If nothing else, do you really want someone who’s pissing you off in your head 24/7?
I remember an old boss that really got up my nose…and I took that boss everywhere with me – out with friends, on my commute, with me whenever I spoke to colleagues, even to bed with me (not literally, but there I was in bed, thinking about what a jackass they were!) Eventually I realised that I spent more time thinking and talking about that boss than I did on anything else in my life. And they were not the most important thing in my life (just the most irritating!) So I stopped.
And I got back in my own business – leaving that job and that boss, and eventually starting my own business, where there is lots to do, so I need to stay in my own business! By all means have fun gossiping, vent about things that are bothering you and share opinions…but then get back in your own business – focus on you, what you need and want in your life, and on enjoying your life. Isn’t that the whole point?
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