Sometimes people around us inadvertently put us down…sometimes they do it deliberately, but whether it’s intended or not, don’t accept it. You don’t have to have a massive confrontation, you can just ignore it. (Although I do love a well placed “who do you think you’re talking to” or a clear “that’s not a nice thing to say” to the offending individual.)
You can just refuse to take any notice of the put-down. My parents have a saying “Don’t let the bastards grind you down” – and I love this advice. This is exactly what happens if you’re not vigilant – years and years of criticism, digs, insults and unsupportiveness can just grind down your good humour and confidence. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
How do you stop them??? Sometimes just saying something to the offender stops them…but often it doesn’t, and changing other people is just such hard work! So here’s what you can do: don’t take it on. Don’t give away your power to someone else. Don’t allow other people to put you down. They can say the words, but if you don’t listen, those words have no power alone. Words can be like acid, corroding and eating away at you…but not if you don’t take it on.
Put it this way, if someone called you a blueberry, how much would you take that on board? How much would you allow that to hurt you? How much would you repeat it, worry about it, chew over it and keep hurting yourself with it? I am hoping you are saying ‘not at all’, because if someone called you a blueberry…well, wtf!! But if they call us ‘stupid’ or they criticise and insult us with something more hurtful, that’s exactly what we do – we take it as gospel, we allow ourselves to be hurt by it, we repeat it to ourselves and others and pick the scab off the hurt so much that we are scarred by it (and a thousand other little comments like it).
One person telling you that you are wrong does not make you wrong 100% of the time! One incident of being told you’re a stupid, fat cow does not make it true. And if you’re the one repeating that one incident 200 times, who’s the one hurting you? So stop taking on this stuff – know yourself better, have confidence in yourself, and instead of repeating the bad stuff and giving it power, repeat this like a mantra: I am amazing, intelligent, worthy, wonderful and a really good laugh. If the other muppets can’t see that, that’s their problem.
Include yourself in this too. You probably put yourself down fairly often. Most of us do, and we can be vicious with it. Most of us would never speak to anyone else the way we talk to ourselves (and if we did, we’d fully expect a punch in the mouth!)…so be vigilant – when I say don’t let ANYONE put you down, I mean you too. So if you need to, learn to talk to yourself like you’re your best friend, biggest fan, most adoring suitor (I just got a brain-pic of pepe-le-pew!) and greatest cheerleader.
And have that as your standard for the people around you too. “You’re standing on my foot, get off” is acceptable; “you’re a fat, lazy cow” is not. You know the difference between a fair comment and a put-down. Learn to let the put-downs just wash straight off you, like water off a duck’s back. Like someone just said “you sir, are a blueberry”…and you thought “wtf”, and let it go. Because you are not a blueberry, or stupid, or worthless, or lazy, or whatever the insult is.
You are wonderful and beautiful and special. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Love
Donna.x
PS This article is an excerpt from my fabulous book “Fall in Love With Life” – for more details and to buy, click here.