It is so tempting to see only what needs fixing in our lives, because there’s always something, right? Life’s never perfect. We are never perfect. There’s always something to change and improve and polish and correct and develop. So why not focus on all those things? The weeds we need to cut back? The problems we need to fix?
In short, because it makes us dissatisfied. You can see this most often with relationships. One (or both) partner focuses on the things that are wrong with the relationship… perhaps at the start to ‘improve’ it…but eventually it just becomes habit to criticise and bitch and moan.
After a while, friends of the couple wonder why the hell they’re still together because they never have a good word to say, they always seem dissatisfied and unhappy (only not enough to break up and move on). I had a client in this situation, and I asked her to start focusing on what was good about her partner, to find things to compliment, and to be nice…just as an experiment.
She realised how on edge both of them had been, because they were constantly expecting snippy little comments and bickering endlessly. Once they made an effort to behave like a couple who actually loved one another, they started to enjoy being together again.
You can try this with any of the people in your life – bosses, friends, significant others, shop workers – expecting the best of people, and treating them as if they’re awesome often works wonders. I love being in a line of people with a really grumpy person dealing with the line – by the time I get to the front, I have a big smile all ready, I’m treating them as if they’re the nicest person I ever met (unlike everyone else, who treats them like they’re horrible…because that’s what they’ve just seen).
90% of the time, they’re lovely back to me (much to the surprise of everyone else who’s just seen them be vile to others). People tend to live down to our expectations of them. So focus on what’s good, be nice, be positive, treat them like a worthy, significant human being and they’ll either live up to that, or they’ll be who they are. Either way, you didn’t contribute to them being a ‘horrible’ person. Most people aren’t.
You can see this in action with someone you know who is always complaining about bad service in restaurants. Watch how they treat their waitress. There’s usually a direct correlation. Waitresses, shop workers, doormen are all people too – and usually nice, hard-working, good people who are often treated like shit by people who think they’re superior (they’re clearly not, if they were they wouldn’t need to be a jackass).
But if you treat these nice, hard-working, good people like they’re inferior and stupid, they probably will be in response to you being horrible to them. I worked behind a bar from the age of 15, and I have seen all manner of rudeness, disrespect and disdain. It almost never made me respond with grace and my best work…I’m just not that big a person.
Life responds in the same way. If you’re consistently concerned with every imperfection in your life, every area that needs improvement, every missing piece, you’ll get into the habit of seeing only the bad…and only feeling dissatisfied. And I know this is pretty obvious, but feeling dissatisfied doesn’t help you enjoy life. It has the opposite effect.
And your poor life is there, pretty pleased with itself for the fabulous things you have going on…and you’ve got a face like a smacked arse about one small thing. If you ignore all that’s good about your life, you’ll miss how good it really is. You’ll go through life a disappointed malcontent and miss how good you really had it.
Some of us only realise this when we suffer a loss, or a ‘bad’ health diagnosis, or we lose what we had and then realise how lucky we were. I urge you not to do that. Notice what’s great about your life and put more focus on that than on what sucks, what’s missing, what’s wrong. You can still fix any minor (or major) flaws in your life, but you can enjoy what’s good in the meantime and change from a place of ‘this is great, let’s add this’ instead of ‘I hate my life’ when you’re just not seeing what’s great about your life.
And there always is great…you have a roof over your head? You’re breathing? You have people you love in your life? You have access to the world via wifi? Your arms work? (I had a buggered shoulder a few months ago…and being able to use my right arm is BLISS!) You have access to clean water and 572 brands of cereal? Focus on what’s good. See it. It’s there, I promise you…but you won’t see the flowers if you’re too busy glaring at the weeds.
PS This article is an excerpt from my fabulous book “Fall in Love With Life” – for more details and to buy, click here.
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