I was chatting to a friend last week who’s in a ‘transition phase’ in her life. You know the ones, when things change (careers, relationships, age, family, loss) and suddenly you’re thrust into thinking ‘what am I doing with my life?’ and ‘what am I going to do next?’ and ‘is this all my life is about?’.
I thought when I was 16 that this was the only time I would agonise over what I would do with the rest of my life. Hahahahahaha. I’ve wondered about it at least once every 3 years since. Which, when you think about it, makes a lot more sense than making a decision when you’re 16 that will last you for the next 60+ years.
The problem with it is that we feel it’s a crisis. Sometimes this kind of thinking is prompted by a crisis, but then we compound that crisis by tormenting ourselves over what we’re going to do with the rest of our time on this earth. (No pressure then eh?)
But what if it wasn’t a crisis? What if this phase was just a natural stage in life? (Spoiler alert: it is.) What if this was just a pause point to enable us to check we’re on course in life? What if we didn’t need to agonise and stress and worry and fear the future? What if we were just asking the wrong questions?
Because ‘what am I doing with my life?’ and ‘what am I going to do next?’ and ‘is this all my life is about?’ are super high pressure questions. And because life can change in an instant, they’re also too rigid, too severe. There are better questions to ask yourself when you’re in a transition period (or just every now and again).
Here the 7 questions I would ask instead:
What would I love to do next?
Ok, sometimes this one is a bit too pressured too. Because most of us don’t orient our lives around what we’d love to do, we orient them around what we have to do to keep ourselves and our families sheltered, fed and watered. But start with the short term – what would I love to do today or this week? Get used to thinking about what you’d love to do.
Then you can start extending it out – what would I love to do in the next few months? The other questions below will start to bring out more of what you would love life to be about…but the main thing is to keep it light and breezy. Yeah, this is your life we’re talking about here, but that’s no reason to get all serious and stressy about it.
What would bring me joy?
Like ‘what would I love to do next?’, you can ask this question for the short term and for the longer term. But me, I’d keep it short term! Keep it easy, keep it fun, keep it about doing what brings you joy on a day to day basis… If you let joy be your compass, you will find it often leads you (sometimes in a meandering way that makes you wonder if you’re lost) to what you want to do for the rest of your life.
But even if it doesn’t, you’ll be enjoying your life along the way…and in my view, that’s exactly what I want to be doing with my life…enjoying it.
Who do I want to be?
This is possibly the most important question. And I’m not talking a specific ‘who’, like Beyonce or Oprah, but who as in what kind of person do you want to be? What characteristics do you want to express?
And be kind to yourself in this – I’d love to be the kind of person who can break into song at 4am at an Irish wedding. However, I can’t sing. And I’m an introvert. And I don’t like being the centre of attention. So I’m not that person. Maybe I’ll get some singing lessons some day, but in the meantime I’ll focus on being who I can be. My ideal me is relaxed, chilled out, sunny, creative, joyful, inspired.
I am not like that all the time (who is??) but that’s the direction I like to aim in. And it means that when I am uptight, stressed, pissed off, bored, fed up, demoralised, I know I’m heading in the wrong direction and I can course correct.
What is my heart yearning for?
Most of us never check in with our hearts. But there is a great wisdom in your heart. You might find you are yearning for space, for freedom, for stimulation, for joy, for love, for adventure, for security. And whatever you find your heart yearning for, you can turn in that direction.
There is always a way to bring more of whatever you’re yearning for into your life – adventure even without the money to travel to the other side of the world, love even without meeting your soul-mate, joy even without peak joyful experiences, peace even without a perfect life (which doesn’t exist by the way).
Often we look for perfect situations and wonder why we’re never satisfied, so it’s easier to just move in the direction of what you desire, bit by bit, step by step. Life often starts falling into place when we just move in the direction of what we want to enjoy, love, be and wish for.
What does my soul crave?
Ok, we’re going deep now. For years, I was dissatisfied with life. There was this voice inside me saying ‘is this it?’ ‘is this what my whole life is going to be?’ (yeah, so melodramatic!). Only the voice of my soul actually wasn’t saying that. It was whispering ‘there is more to life’, but I couldn’t hear it clearly and interpreted it as ‘life sucks and then you die’.
My soul was trying to tell me to shift out of the life I’d fallen into (as most of us do), and that I’d be happier doing something completely different. But because I didn’t know how to listen to my soul, I was just feeling this dis-satisfaction and bouncing off the walls of my then-life.
Had I known how to listen to my soul, I’d have known I didn’t necessarily need to take drastic action, that I could also take baby steps in that direction (and dance, my soul is big on dancing as a way to move toward a life you love…maybe that’s just me), that my soul would guide me as to what to do as well as where to go.
Your soul is whispering to you too. And it’s not telling you that your life sucks, that you suck, that you haven’t achieved anything in life, that you don’t look right, that you need to turn your whole life upside down. It’s telling you that you’re amazing, that life can be so joy-full, that you can do it, that you are a magnificent, unique slice of the divine, and it’s time your self-love reflected that.
If you meditate, you can tune into the voices of your heart and soul, but if you need a little help, check out the Body, Mind, Heart and Soul Guidance recordings (free to you).
What am I loving about life now?
This question asks you to remember what you have. Ok, life may not be perfect (it rarely is), but you do have so much. A roof over your head? Clean water? Time to chill? Sight? Hearing? The ability to communicate? A heart that beats? Money coming in? Friends?
Even some of the things that are making you feel dissatisfied may have a silver lining. For example, a few years ago, my client list dwindled to not many clients. Which stressed me out no end, until I realised that it would be a great time to crack on with writing my first book. When things aren’t 100% right, we often forget that some things are still good and that opportunities exist within some of the difficulties.
Gratitude, appreciation and love for what’s right in your life is a great way to get back to feeling good when you’re feeling that transitional earthquake threatening to uproot your whole life.
How’s your self-care?
Ok, you guys know, I am a pulpit basher for self-care! The reason being that I know that when you are not feeling cared for, life often seems worse, problems get magnified, and everything seems terrible. Once you’re cared for and feeling good, things seem to re-balance and you get your equilibrium back.
So check on your self-care before making any hasty changes to your life that might not be necessary.
You’re creating your life, puzzle piece by puzzle piece. The picture you want to create will change over time, that’s natural as you age and grow and change. But rather than angsting over the desperately important decisions of your life (which will probably send you running towards cake and alcohol as solutions!), chill out, put your feet up and allow yourself to ponder and wonder and explore.
I don’t do regrets too much, what’s the point? But one thing I do regret is in my 20’s turning the delicious journey of discovery of what I wanted to do with my life into a torturous, desperate search. I can look back now and laugh at myself for taking it all so damn seriously, but at the time, it really wasn’t a pleasant experience.
I don’t recommend it, so ask yourself better questions. And remember, you are still a gorgeous slice of the divine, no matter what you do with your life. You always have been, always will be. So go have fun with creating, and more importantly, living, your life.
