WARNING! I swear in this post…read on at your peril!
Last week on Facebook, I had a little rant about those annoying posts that end with “99% won’t post this” – these things annoy me immensely. I hate being told what to do, I hate guilt-trips, I absolutely despise emotional blackmail…and adding this (or “if you’re my friend”) to the end of a post will absolutely, 100% guarantee that I will not post it…even if what you’re saying is the most important thing I’ve heard this century! Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy to help a friend out and share a post that means a lot to them – I just can’t bear that passive agressive guilt-trippy crap.
I was a bit surprised at the reaction to be honest – I know a few of my friends on facebook are just as contrary as I, but it really struck a chord with a lot of people! And it got me thinking a lot about being told what to do, being told this is the way it has to be, having our buttons pushed (of guilt, shame, even friendship) to get us to do something. Whether that’s to share a facebook post, or buy a program, or run your life in a certain way.
Because I am extremely contrary and I really hate being told what to do (best way to get me to do something, tell me not to!), this sort of stuff gets right up my nose, but my personality flaws aside, I also find it patronising, presumptuous and downright rude. When I started out in business nearly 11 years ago, I had a really hard time with most of the business “advice” that was out there.
Even though I didn’t like being told what to do, I also knew at that point that I hadn’t got a clue what I was doing – I needed guidance and help. But the advice I was getting made me feel physically sick, and I thought I wasn’t cut out for a life of being in business. Fortunately at that point, I discovered coaches who knew that there are a million ways to do anything, and that I could build my business in my own way (which didn’t involve being trussed up in a suit, foisting my business card on disinterested people).
Thank God for Damien and Joseph. Without them, I wouldn’t have made 11 years. I wouldn’t even have made 2 years. And although I now largely ignore any advice that doesn’t resonate with me, I still see these examples of condescension and bossiness today (sometimes in the guise of authenticity and compassion, which makes me snort my drink out of my nose in astonishment). For many of these people, their motivation is good – they want to help people succeed.
But I wish they would realise something:
The only authority on your life and business is you.
There is not a “one size fits all” prescription for any problem; it’s absurd to suggest there is. And telling people that they “have to” do anything taps into their infinite well of shame, guilt and not-good-enough feelings. Fuck that. Not only because guilt, shame and not-good-enough feel bad, but also because it’s simply not true. Let me illustrate this point with three examples of things hexperts say that never fail to get up my nose.
1. The only way to get clients/lose weight/find a relationship is to network/eat salad for breakfast/hang out on street corners.
Oh my God, how this one pisses me off! If you were to do a survey of 100 people who have got clients, lost weight, got married, you would find at least 50 different ways of doing it! It’s just bullshit to say there is only one way to do anything. I know businesses who’ve built their client base by networking, by facebook, by referral, by writing, by leading seminars, by blogging. I know people who’ve lost weight by dieting, by running, by walking, by doing yoga, by replacing one “bad” food at a time, by stress (!), by doing star jumps instead of chocolate biscuits. I know people who’ve met their partner at a coffee shop, on a bus, online dating, through work, on holiday in Cyprus, through friends.
There is no “one way”. There are always many ways – so find the one that feels good for you.
2. “Be on this call live” (or you don’t value your growth)
Ex-fucking-scuse me?! Who the hell do you think you are to tell me I have to be on a call live or I don’t value my growth, or my business, or my life?!?!?!?!? I DO value my growth. But I also value my self-care, my work/life balance, my sleep and my sanity. And trust me, you do not want me to be there live at 4am UK time, because my tolerance for bullshit will be at ZERO! Grrrr.
Do not ever let anyone tell you that if you don’t do something they want you to do, you’re not valuing yourself or you’re defective. It’s a marketing ploy to get you there live, it’s a lie and it’s rude!
3. You have to have a coach.
Ok, you know I am a coach. So I believe in coaching. I believe everyone can benefit from a coach. Do I believe they have to have one? Nope. No one is holding a gun to your head. You don’t have to do anything. Except breathe. Ok, it is true that many high-flying, successful people have coaches; and that a coach can accelerate your growth, find your blind spots so you can soar, and help you make your dreams come true…but that doesn’t mean you have to have one. You can if you want.
You get to choose what support you have in your life – you don’t have to avail yourself of any…but you might want to!
So the next time you see someone saying “you have to do it this way” or “if you don’t do what I say then you’re a bad person/parent/businesswoman/womble” , remember that you don’t have to do anything any way.
It’s entirely your choice what you do with your life.
You are the authority in your life. You get to run their advice past your own inner guidance and your own inner bullshit-ometer, and then you get to take it, or not, or take bits of it and leave the rest. Because it’s your life – with your unique circumstances and personality and experience and strengths. So the only person who knows you well enough to tell you what to do is you.
